Wednesday this past week was not a good day for me at all. I had a great morning. The cleaner arrived at 12.45 and cleaned my unit, so while the floor was drying, I was outside in the warm sun taking photos of the garden's first Spring flowers. I was mucking around using the features on the phone, and suddenly as I reversed, I backed onto one section of soil/gravel and got my one wheels bogged..
I've been stuck in this one section of the gravel before, and have either driven out of it, or called Mum for help. However, this time it was not going to be that easy. I phoned Mum and there was no answer, so I tried to manoeuvre myself out, except I kept getting my wheels in deeper. I phoned Mum again, she answered and came outside. The two of us were moving this way and that way to the point I'd then moved about a metre backwards from the spot where the trouble had started!
By now I was well and truly bogged, as well as facing a huge rock, my left large wheel submerged in soil and gravel, and my right large wheel spinning in the air. I wasn't going anywhere. We had planks of wood out, as well as rubber mats to try to place them under the wheels so I could drive out. Nothing was working. By then I had screamed the F-bomb word more than I can count. I was sitting in the leaning tower of Pisa! Helpless!
I called a neighbour of ours to see if she could pop over to help us out, but there was no answer. I thought about who else there was in the street we could call. There was nobody. The reason being that when we moved in here about 35 years ago, we used to know just about everyone. There was a wonderful sense of community. Now many homes are owned by foreigners who don't speak English, and don't integrate therefore that community no longer exists. It's very sad.
Mum suggested she call the RACV which I agreed to. I think I'd been out there for about half an hour by then, with the tail end of the flu. Mum went inside and was gone a while. When she came back she was laughing, I wasn't. She said that the RACV couldn't help so she called 000. The lady who answered the 000 call suggested to send an ambulance, as Mum said she needed a couple of strong people. I still wasn't laughing. About half an hour later the Patient Transport Ambulance arrived. One man and one woman hopped out. It was pretty obvious as to what my situation was, so I didn't need to explain much. The two of them chatted between themselves, tried a couple of things, and then the man just lifted the left side of the wheelchair up, and I drove backwards on to the path. Within about 10 minutes I was free! I was so grateful.
But here is how I was feeling.
I knew that it was a very funny situation, and I would have usually been laughing and been very optimistic. I couldn't understand why I wasn't, and then it hit me. I was useless and trapped! I couldn't just stand up and get off the chair as I would have done in the past. You see my memory and body still remember that function very clearly. I was so angry at my body especially the disease. Why do I have this F-bomb disease??? At no stage was it about feeling sorry for myself, and there were no tears. Just pure anger. There was this huge rock in front of me with my stupid non-working left leg touching it. I kept thinking if it was my right leg perhaps I could push off from the rock and that would work. I have a little bit of movement in my right leg.
I was trapped, so angry, and most of all helpless!!!!! I wasn't mad at myself as accidents happen. I was furious with my body and that it just couldn’t do what it was supposed to do. As well as what my brain was telling it to do. Frustrated. I'm still not laughing as those feelings are still very raw and real. I know that we all have challenges in life all the time regardless of our situation, however this is my story. I always tell people that feel bad if complaining to me about a cold, that it's ok, as that's their reality at that moment in time.
I am also so angry about everything at the moment, which could be caused by low iron levels, or just life. Everything no matter how big or small just seems be such a challenge. People come into my unit and move things around. It infuriates me as everything has its place for a specific reason. Footpaths are a pain to negotiate in a wheelchair. I'm always often, in the back row of the movies, I don't have much of a choice of seats. I went for an MRI on Friday, and normally I'd put a gown on and sit on the bed for a scan. Now it involves a hoist, about 4 people to assist, a sling that cuts into my crutch when lifted and is very uncomfortable. Then on the return I'm never dressed the same afterwards, so am uncomfortable for the rest of the day. The cubicles aren't even big enough to fit me in my wheelchair so I have no privacy when dressing! I'm left to the end of the morning shift so have to wait one hour because that suites them! Everything feels as though it's a battle at the moment!! I am sick of being sick. I so exhausted from severe spasms in my left leg and both bottom cheeks for hours every day, with no possibility of relief as nothing exists. I'm so tired of sore feet because my nerves messages are confused because of the damage on my spinal cord, so my feet feel as though I have corsets on them that are tied so tightly. I'm tired of people who don't have common sense, not to mention the public in general. Geez, the list goes on and on. Everything is such a challenge!
I'm still not laughing, however here are some of the garden photos that got me into trouble in the first place :)
In a wheelchair permanently since early 2010 due to a disease called NMO. I am loving getting out and about in my wheels. My blogs capture my journey.